October 31, 2010
I looked at the wall clock, it says 5:30 in the morning.
In 30 minutes, my shift will end.
I told to myself as I sat on the couch of our department and felt very tired.
In that 3o minutes before my 16hours straight duty from evening to night shift ends, I received a call from the emergency room, the assigned colleague of mine needs help, he said an ambulance will be arriving very soon with two cardiac arrest patients...he cannot afford to assist on those two patients at the same time.
So I responded together with my friend and colleague Dan. We were joking around with the nurses as we wait for the ambulance to arrive.
"Hey Jen, I don't see any face book status update from you? Di kita nararamdaman sa FB!"
"you know me Mac, too busy, after work im dead tired!"
"atleast write something once in a while, a quick update you know....like "pepe maluwang...or perhaps... pepe maga..."
and we both laughed with my silly joke on her until we heard the "wang-wang" of the ambulance, we prepared ourselves for the worst.
There they come like a storm barging in... the emergency medical team, tensed, sweating, and busy rescusitating that 1 year old baby...Oh my gosh... a baby! with all smoke and dirt on his head and body....
"he is a year old baby, found on the floor, a possible case of smoke inhalation, fire on their home, he's non reactive, no pulse, no breathing, pupils dilated, and CPR going on for 15 minutes now..." the canadian nurse endorsed to all of us while shifting the patient to our stretcher.
I took over on giving the artificial airway and breathing for the baby, while the other nurse took over the cardiac compression from the ambulance guy who is soaked like crazy with his own sweat. I always admired them, I mean their job is just crazy! they are the ones who arrive on the scene and give the first aid until they could pass to the emergency room! How cool is that!
I had a heavy heart seeing this innocent baby lifeless while we tried everything to save him. I could see my nephew on him. I know he is someone's baby. I know someone is worried about him and praying really hard to God to save him.
I avoided looking at his face since then...I can't.
1o minutes later, the other ambulance arrived and the other team from the ER prepared themselves to received the patient...
I looked at the patient arriving on the stretcher and I gasped loudly as I saw a 7 months pregnant woman darkened by smokes from the fire, lifeless too, and heard from the endorsement that she is in fact this baby's mom...
Oh no, what happened to both of you and your mom? I whispered at him as if he is alive...
trying to be unaffected by what's happening around me and do my job, there is no time to be emotional at this moment. Every minute counts...
30 minutes before my shift ends...
The room became crazier than ever..I saw everyone running...getting something...shouting to someone...all for these patients on our hands.
3o minutes before my shift ends
Here I am still busy, ignoring the pain on my legs and my tired eyes. We are all tired, but no one complains. We are all doing our best for this baby and his mother and her unborn child.
The doctor run the ECG machine this time...
he paused and said: "time of death 6:05 am"
Every one stared at this baby boy's face and stopped from what their doing. The family came rushing and they became hysterical as they realized he is really gone.
"why... why.. you're just a baby..." his father.
I saw the pain on the old lady's face as she kissed the baby's feet...whispering at him. I assumed its his grandmother.
Its heartbreaking. My tears almost fell.
That was a difficult situation to be in.
I hate being affected by other's grief.
I'm sad. I'm down. I've never been affected by patients and relatives for a long time, death is a common thing for me. Ive been surrounded by death all the time. I don't know why now...
I heard another doctor's declaration on the bed nearby:
"time of death 6:10 am"
3o minutes before my shift ends ...
3 lives were gone...
October 26, 2010
I was doing my rounds one afternoon at the ICU. I immediately spotted him. Orville, 28 years old, A private nurse to a patient in coma, machine dependent. He was pleasant to talk with, a nice guy though. He smells good too.
The next time I saw him, he was telling me how he missed going out with friends, like gimmicks and also dating girls...he said, its too difficult to get a date here in Doha, unlike in Manila. I agreed and laughed.
He continued talking to me and to my surprised he told me he also misses having sex! That its been quite a while since he had his last! His term was "tigang na tigang na nga ko e...", I laughed harder... you know me, if you talk about sex, I'm always interested LOL!
On my third time seeing him, he asked me if I knew someone available to hook up him with. He mentioned my single girl colleague, he saw her one time, asked me if she is looking for a date too. I told him, no way she will date him hahaha!
"If you know someone, please refer me to her! I'm single you know! Would you like to add me to your face book account? " He said and smiled at me. He gave me his real name and said, "did you get it? OK?" he added. But I forgot all about it when I got home.
When I saw him again was at the hallway, he was at the vendo machine I called him, "pssst, Orville!" he saw me and smiled! "How are you? We are now on a private room, my patient getting better now..."
"I know someone , a single girl to hook you up with! I mentioned you to her and she seems interested in meeting you!" I said. I was referring to a nurse named Elly 35 years old and been looking for the right guy since like forever LOL!
baka maging old maid ang lola nyo kaya help ko na!
"What's your number? I will give it to her right now!", I excitedly said. I gave the number to Elly immediately and she asked me some details how this guy looks. Some heads up, I said, he looks fine to me, decent, looks young, and smells really good!
But as soon as Orville got my number on the other hand, was bugging me how Elly looks, and what ifs..is-she-like-this...is-she-like-that-blah-blah. I told him he better meet Elly, or text her immediately.
After that I went home and didn't know what happens next!
Yesterday, I saw a missed call from Orville on my phone, its been 2 days since I last saw him. When I finally got the chance to see his patient during my rounds, I secretly asked him what happened between him and Elly.
Please tell me now!grrrr! I wanna know!
Nah! You're a kill-joy! anywayz, I called her last night.
Wait, were you calling me last night too, why?
Nah, you're not picking up...(he made a face)
I was asleep, moron! and I smiled. He's getting cuter every time I see him haha. I asked for his face book account once again to give it to Elly, but he said he needs to make a new one.
Fuck! You're married! Admit it!
Of course not!
So why you need to make a new one when you already have an existing FB account?
After some time talking about him and Elly, his next words caught me offguard:
"lets go out some time...I haven't been going out, lets have coffee or something..."
And I was like, whoa! What is this? Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!
I was so kiligggg naman siyet! (got giddy) *Faint!*
I tried to composed my self and replied:" you don't have day offs, how could you go out?
I could have a day off whenever I want to noh.
Really, so you will asked the other guy to go on a 24 hr duty just to have your off?haha
Absolutely! and he laughed.
Treat me for a coffee, come on...
No payday yet. You treat me for coffee instead!
Haha! You're the one getting a pay of thousands of thousands here, you treat me for coffee. He teased.
No I'm not! Anyway, need to go, I have a bleep.
I run away from him with a sweet smile on my face. Clayton will kill me for this!LOL. Baby, I just wanna share this OK, I'm not doing anything bad. Be calm? Don't panic!!
Please help me analyze this guy. He easily gave his FB account to me earlier, but when he found out I will give it to Elly later, he refused to do so.
And why he wanted me to go out with him all of a sudden and not with Elly???
Is it me he really likes? Feeling! Or he thought I could be his easy sex partner?!
But my gaydar's not working properly! I think he's damn straight!
Oh my gosh, this post's so lame!
October 23, 2010
My name is Mac. Clayton is my boyfriend.
We are miles apart...
But its our third monthsary! yey!
Our relationship is just retard and crazy!
But I love him.
He loves me.
Please bear with me for making a post every month about our monthsary, you have to understand that we are on a long distance relationship...
For every day, every week and every month that we could stay together, was a struggle, a sacrifice...
for there are many temptations out there, stuff that could get in our way for being separated...
for this, we celebrate each month of LOVE.
I would like to share to you some of our crazy conversations over sms and chats.
Hindi bayolente ang asawa ko...
Clay: Ingat ka pag uwi mamaya ha. Nilalagnat pa ko ng konti, anlamig kasi!
Me: Dapat kasi naliligo ka muna lagi bago pasok sa work!
Clay: E kung hampasin kita ng tabo e no?!
prim and proper pa...
Clay: Busy pa ko dito, nag inventory pa ko, bakit di ka pa natutulog?
Me: Gusto ko pa kasi lumandi LOL!
Clay: Okay. Pakyu ka!
at hindi ako paranoid promise!
Clay: Bebe, gising ka pa? Tawagan mo ko mamaya ha, simba lang ako.
Me: E tutulog na ko, pagising ko 3am na jan nun!
Clay: Sige try ko gumising, gusto ko din kasi "usap tayo".
Me: Bakit??? kinakabahan naman ako! Baka makikipag break ka na sakin a! ang tanga mo bakit dito ka nagreply hindi sa roaming ko?!
Clay: Oo nga e...tangna ka wag ka mag isip ng ganyan hahaha! tawagan mo ko ha? Ok night night!
Eto sobrang cheesy, sumakit ngipin ko LOL
"Hi bebe, ang malas ng monday ko. Toxic na office. Naabutan pa ko ng malakas na ulan paglabas. Basang basa talaga ako. Pero ok lang, at least wala naman masamang nangyari sa kin...at nandiyan ka para mahalin ako. wabshu bebe!"
O di ba galing mambola!
I love you Clayton kahit ang panget ng paa mo!Toinks!
Hope you'll like the watch and the cologne I sent!
October 21, 2010
I'm a sucker for celebrity bulge! Damn, that sounds dirty LOL!
So here are some of my fave! Maglaway na!
So here are some of my fave! Maglaway na!
Ano nga kaya magtirahan silang dalawa?LOL!
October 19, 2010
What's the boarder line between love and money?
I was asked one time by a straight colleague, when he found out that my boyfriend is in Manila, that I obviously sends money to him. For his maintenance and to keep him from looking to other guys. I mean that's absurd!
I don't have a problem treating my special someone over dinner or dates, or giving gifts on special occasions, but asking or borrowing money is a different thing!
Clayton came from an average family, having a small business, and he is earning more than enough from his job. I know I'm safe with him!
Money is not easy to find these days. It was hard-earned. Not given to you easily. Money is a very sensitive issue to me now. Many gay people have been fooled by love...took advantage of their love...
I learned my lesson some time ago. I've been used. Borrowed money from me and never paid me back. Now I realized I'm stupid for trusting. At least its over now, before its too late. He took advantage of my millions LOL!
Nakakadala na magtiwala kasi...
I told myself, I'm gonna have this rule: I won't involve money on any relationship I'm going to have next time. Money changes everything.
"But what if, if... your boyfriend now, the one you really love....is in a very difficult financial crisis, lets say, a family member being very sick, or an accident at the hospital now, their resources have run out or something and you're the only one who could help him...would you're rule still applies?" my straight colleague have asked me.
Honestly, I wasn't able to answer that.
It took me a long time to answer.
Well, maybe if its really a matter of life and death I would gladly help. But not to shoulder everything...I guess.
I saw a grin on his face as if telling me: "See, you still gonna give!"
October 15, 2010
I'm in love.
I know you all knew that already.
I'm here in Doha, he's in Manila.
But I'm having this thoughts about love.
About Clayton's love for me.
I think I love him more than he loves me back.
Do you get me? is this suppose to be an issue with boyfriends?
Does it matter if the other loves more?
I told myself its silly.
But somehow it gets to me.
I'm the type of person who would like to text my boyfriend. No matter how busy I am, I find time. I love some conversation over text, on free time, like how his day was, what's he doing, or about anything...
But, Clayton don't do that.
I told him how I felt about it. We are on LDR and communication is all I have of him. That's all we could do. No holding hands. No kissing. No love making. All we have is communication.
He said I'm sorry and promised to be my text mate LOL!
And he did.
But why should I need to tell him what he needs to do? he supposed to know that right?
I love chatting with him online during our offs. I'm excited all the time. As if I never run out of topic to talk about. Its like i never want the day to end chatting with him.
Until he would say, Mac, I need to go blah-blah-blah-reasons. I mean we only chat for an hour or two. Its just disappointing you know, can't he feel the same? that he wanted to chat with me as long as it takes? Why am I the only one who have that intention? but I tried to understand. I'm suppose to understand. So I just shook it off.
But it gets to me sometimes.
Yeah, I called on his phone. But sometimes, its nice if the call comes from him, right?
I don't know, but whenever I opened my face book, its like a routine to check his profile page, his shout-outs, his update status, his latest pic uploads.
But its been days before he could check mine. Sometimes I have to tell him that I have a new uploads or whatever, that's the only time he would check it.
It would be nice if he does, right?
Like tonight. Its 6am in Manila. I immediately took my cel and typed these messages:
Nakita ko FB mo kanina, pero malamang di mo pa din nakikita yun mga lumang pictures namin nung bata pa kami! antagal na nun dun di mo man lang masilip! Letse!
Nakita ko tanga! Kasama mo sis mo. Pasko yun at nasa bahay kayo ng tita mo!!!!
Ay nakita mo ba?bah malay ko ba hahaha
Ang tanga mo e kung maka-letse ka... WAGAS! na-i-stress ako sayo kakamulat ko lang. Uggghs!!!
Ok fine! I might be wrong with that one! LOL. but, what I'm trying to say is...
ah, eh, whatever!
Anyway, why am I the only one does those things?
I think about him most of the time, like whats he doing at this moment...
Does it means I love him more than he loves me?
I know these are all simple and petty things, I know. Clayton loves me in his own way. I could sense it. But these little things matters too.
What do you think?
Am I just being silly and i should slap my face for being pathetic?LOL
Or my love for him is bigger than his to me?
If its the case, should I be worried?
Or you think he don't love me at all?
That would be awful!Arrrrghhh!
October 14, 2010
Duty ko isang hapon, wala kami ideya kung san kami ilalagay ng senior staff namin, may lima kasing ICU sa ospital,( may pang bago opera, may para sa mga naaksidente (trauma), may pang puso, may pang bata/sanggol, at pang kalahatang sakit na hindi na sakop nun ibang ICU).
Although, madalas sa pangbata'ng ICU ako nilalagay, which is, mas gusto ko. Dahil komportable na ako sa area, equipments, machines at sa mga nurse dun. Nung hinati na, tama nga hula ko, dun ako sa pangbata nilagay.
Naghanda na ako mag rounds, isa isa ko pinuntahan lahat ng pasyente na para sakin, nagsulat, nagcheck if nagana at wala problema machine at stable ang pasyente. Habang ginagawa ko yun, naririnig ko ang ingay ng mga bata, may mga baby na naiyak, nagwawala. Nakakarindi minsan, sarap pasakan ng unan ang mga bibig ng matigil na LOL!
Dito sa area na to, masasanay ka na din sa mga kantahan, kasi di lang mag care sa pasyente trabaho ng nurses dito, dapat songer ka din! Kasi kakantahan mo mga sanggol para tumahan! gaya ng bad romance ni gaga, or kaya single ladies ni beyonce!
Sa kabuuan, tahimik ang area ko. Meaning wala masyado procedures, orders ek ek. Nagpasalamat ako!
Itunuloy ko ang duty sa pamamagitan ng pakikipagdaldalan, pakikipaglandian (chos!), at pag browse sa net gamit ang laptop ko! Naka 2 episode din ata ako ng grey's anatomy bago mag second rounds naman!hehe. Saya!
9:30 pm, lahat ng mga kasamahan ko busy na sa kani-kanilang ICU, akala ko ligtas ako sa ka-toxic-an, but im wrongness! Tinawagan ako ng nurse-in-charge, maghanda daw ako ng makina na hihinga para dun sa pasyente na darating 10 y.o, nabagok daw ulo, parating na ambulansya, bilisan ko daw~!
Atribidang nurse! kakatawag lang gusto now na agad!!! di kaya ganun kadali mag set up! letse!
Paglabas ko ng department namin, nakasalubong ko na ang team ng ambulansya na dala-dala yun pasyente na inaantay namin! Crapppppppppppppp! wala pa ako nape-prepare!
Hinubad ko ang damit ko na parang si clark kent at na expose ang costume ko sa loob na may nakasulat na S... hindi Superman, kundi: She-ra!
Nagmamadali ako, sabi on the way palang, un pala andito na! pawis pawis na ko nun, nagmamadali ang lola nyo, jusko day! Pero dahil may taglay akong powers, na-set-up ko naman siya agad.
Ililipat na namin sa bed yun pasyente na kasalukuyang nasa stretcher ng ambulance ng mag alarm ang monitor! Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso nya! Nag-madali magpakuha ang doktor ng mga gamot, konting minuto lang kasi titigil na yun bigla sa pagtibok at mamatay ang bata.
Nawala na ang tahimik kong mundo!!!
Nagkagulo na! Kinuha ko ang ambubag, pumuwesto ako sa ulunan at inumpisahan pisilin yun para tulungan huminga ang pasyente. Nagpahanda ng defibrillator, kukuryentehan na ang puso.
Every body clear? sigaw ng maitim na manggagamot.
Sumagot kami ng "clear-ness" with my baklang-baklang accent! Kidding! LOL. Kaso nakadikit naman siya sa bakal, sabi ko doktor, usod ka, makukuryente ka din! Tange di ba?!
Pinundot nya, pero walang nadeliver na kuryente sa pasyente! palpak! Inulit, wala na naman!
Nagkagulo ang mga Pana (mga ibang lahi,nagpapahulog satin ng 5-6 gets nyo na?), nun shift na yun wala pinoy, andami nila,e dapat mga 5 or 6 people lang dun, pero nasa 15 ata sila! bakit daw di nagana, nagsisisihan sila, ang iingay kairita. Ang bilis magsasasalita sa lengguwahe nila.
Para akong nasa palengke! yun tipong lahat sabay sabay nagsisigawan: Ale-ale bili ka ng isda, mura lang! oy suke, bili ka ng talong ko, mahaba, mataba, titirik mata mo pag sinaksak mo sa pwet mo, dito ka bili bili suke!
Sa isip ko nun time na yun, yun ang scenario, muntik na ako mapatawa!
Tapos nadiskubre di pala nasuksok un cord ng makina kaya di nagana nun una! O di ba buhay na buhay ka talaga dito!LOL
Ipinagpatuloy ang pag CPR sa bata. Inabot na ko ng 10:20pm dun, teka lampas na ako sa duty ko a!
Late yun kapalit ko!
Nabalitaan ko kinabukasan na nabuhay naman pala yun bata.
October 6, 2010
One moment in our lives, we met a lot of people, some of them made us special (or not) in their own way...but life goes on and for some reasons, we have to separate and go on our own way...
I wonder where you are now...Miss P.
She's my favorite teacher when I was in grade 6, she's the only teacher who showed me care and love. Gosh, its been 13 years since I last saw her. She's an old maid. I wonder if she's married hehe. Is she still teaching? or is she with our creator? How I wish I could see her one more time.
I wonder where you are now...Jas.
She's my best friend when I was in high school, she used to call me Tom-bong, because I have this great admiration for Tom Cruise at the time hehe. And we listen to this uber-jologs song: OCEAN DEEP! waaa shoot me now, I know!LOL. After our graduation in high school she moved in to their province in the Visayas region.
I wonder where you are now...Sasha.
We had this crazy chemistry during college days, we called ourselves best friend for life! We are inseparable, we did everything together. We're like family. But i don't know what happened after our big fight after college, last thing i heard, she's in Dubai. Sometimes, i thought, why friends have to go this way, I mean can't we just forgive each other...do we have to let pride take over and let the friendship go to waste? I missed her though...
I wonder where you are now...Jeff.
He was my first eyeball and my first sex partner! It was the time where I have to laugh like crazy every time he licked my neck and my nipple: why, It's ticklish! Price of being a virgin! No intercourse though, I'm not ready at that time. But I remembered how foolish I had been with him, after the boom-boom-pow, I texted him asking what are we now that something happened already, because in my mind, we had an intimate moment right? so automatically he will take responsibility! feeling like a virgin lady who could be pregnant and that he has to marry me!LOL
He told me its just sex. Nothing else. It played in my mind over and over again. Its just sex. I realized one thing that time, that sex could be this so meaningless to other people. I was hurt... I was so naive.
I wonder where you are now....Mark.
He was my third boyfriend. I loved him so dearly with all my heart. I think he's one of those relationships that really made a mark on me (cause his name is Mark?!LOL) I made a mistake and he punished me when I asked for a second chance, he accepted it but made my life miserable...my soul was crying inside when he was spending the night with me but made me feel like a stranger, he didn't bother kissing me...
Texting someone else when he knew i could see it, he made love to me but treated me like I'm a whore...he will visit just to have sex with me and leave. I cried every time he does that. After sometime, he just vanished without a word till now... though I'm over him, but I could still remember the pain it caused me. Wishing I would never feel that again.
I wonder where you are now...Rom.
Many of us have fallen in love with our best friend. Its a classic story for most of us. I am no exemption...he used to hold my hand and forced me when he wanted me to accompany him somewhere when I'm too lazy to...he used to asked my opinion on things he's unsure of...he used to asked me to join him at the shower when its only the two of us at their house...I remembered how I tried to stop my feelings for growing more and more deeper...
I remembered how it made me jealous when he tried to court some girl at school, and I remembered it clearly how I tried to discourage him that she's not worth it. We used to hang out till very late at night after school and talk about anything but not our own feelings. I know, I could feel it, he has something for me too. But he knew it was not right. He wanted to be a good son as what his mother told him to.
He's the first person I loved.
Looking back on those years made me smile and made me sad at the same time. There are some regrets and most specially there are lessons learned. We grow older and we gained more knowledge on how we could run our lives and those people around us. No matter where they are now, no matter what they do, I hope they are all doing good and happy.
October 4, 2010
I had a hard time choosing what to wear. I changed twice undecided which one! (arte lang hehe). It took me an hour to prepare! Pero la naman nabago sa itsura ko, ganun pa din! LOL! I envy those people who could prepare themselves in an instant, like in 15 minutes they are ready to go!
We came in so early, (excited???!) I was with my 4 girlfriends and 2 boy friends, we need to bring 2 guys because, you know with my kind of beauty on that place, we need protection, who wish to take me by force! LOL!!!
Few people are there, the band has not started playing yet, so we decided to eat first, all are starving, we ordered 24 pieces chicken wings and fish fillet, imagine, we had dinner there! Ginawang hapunan ang pulutan!
Anyway, we loved the band, and I had a great crush to the long haired drummer! We danced the night away! Gosh I missed that feeling of being crazy, carefree and tipsy!
di ko alam kung anong dance step yan! at salamat sa sponsor ko:ZARA at CELIO, pinaganda nyo ko nung gabing yan!LOL
Every dance, I tried to forget my worries about my mom...
Every song, I tried to ignore about the worries about my future...
Every beat, i tried to push away my insecurities and fear about my love life...
All of that in just one night...I felt liberated.
When you're an OFW, you need to relax once in a while, we deserved to have a little fun you know...
When I was at the comfort room alone, in front of the mirror removing the food that got stucked on my braces, and suddenly he entered...
The cute drummer!!!
I had a funny reaction when I saw him, my eyes was wide open the minute our eyes met!
And he saw that reaction!
Sooo0 kakahiya! Taena! Its so obvious that I have a crush on him!
To my surprised, he looked at me directly from the mirror, and licked his lips, started pulling his shirt up, exposing sexy abs and pinkish nipple...I can't move...I was into him...he unbuckled his belt and showed me his long, hard dick....
OK fine, I just made that up! LOL!
The point is, he knew that i like him. Nyahehe. anlaki ng issue di bah!
The club started closing up, and we still don't wanna go! Its so bitin! it felt like we've been there for just an hour when in fact we spent almost 5 hours na!
We decided to stop to a nearby coffee bean and spent another 2 hrs there talking and chatting and cam whoring! Gosh, I love my friends! It was a lot of fun doing this! We promised to do this gimik night again!
October 1, 2010
Clayton's dad arrived to Manila yesterday, after many years of working abroad, he finally decided to quit and stay for good. His dad don't want him to be gay. So my baby-baby is hiding inside his big closet full of skeletons with pink ribbons on the head! Nyahaha!
I told him to go home early and meet his dad. But Clayton said he'll be very late to have a grand entrance!
Anong kaeklatan yun? artista?!
When I'm about to sleep, I texted him:
Iidlip muna ko, i-kumusta mo nalang ako sa "Papa" natin...hehe. Goodnight.
(Goodnight, I'll take a nap, Clay...send my greetings to "our" DAD)
OK, kamusta ka din daw. Mahalin mo daw ako ng todo-todo sabi nya! LOL
(OK, he said hi too. He said, you should love me more than enough!LOL)
Napailing nalang ako... bumanat na naman si Tanga hehe
It made me smile though.
And told myself, Damn, I love this crazy bastard!
Makatulog na nga! :-)