March 12, 2012

A Father And Son Story


Are you close to your father? -I'm not.

Do you love your father? -I don't.

Do you hate your father? -not anymore.

I know you're curious about my answers.

Well, me and my dad had a very long history of disagreements and fights. We have this great big wall between us, its too late to break it now. Even if he's trying to reach out for me, I just can't restart all over it again with him.

I just can't find it in my heart.

When I was a kid: I like to watch Variety shows. That time it was Sharon Cuneta's variety show! LOL! (Blame my mom she idolized her!)

He gets mad at me. He wants me to watch NBA or PBA!

I like staying home and read magazines and gossips and celebrities and all. He gets mad. He wants me to play with the boys outside.

He wants me to play ball....But I played my friend's balls. LOL

For him, its a disappointment to have a son like me. He can never accept me. He was embarrased of me. His friends....his brothers...all teased him to have a "malamya son" like me.

So he will get back at me.

He yelled at me. I yelled at him.

He said fucked you. I said fuck you too.

He pushed me. I pushed him back.

Everyday was like hell for many years.

Mom, defended me. They would fight.

I left home and lived with my aunts. He would check me out, because my mom wanted him to.

I hate him so much then. I wanted to put him in an elderly home when he reached old age and will let him rot in hell. And not attend his funeral.

Many years have passed. I'm older. He's older....somehow I felt, that he accepted my preferences.

I forgave him.

I saw change in him.

I see him everyday.

But he's just an ordinary person to me now...

Like a neighbor...

Like a boarder at home....

He's nice too me.

But I'm just civil.

He asked something. I answer. Just One word.

I assessed my self. I'm not angry anymore. I just don't feel anything about him.

We can't be friends.

If he dies, maybe... I'll cry.

Maybe not.

One things is for sure.

I'll die for my Mom.


***


This is a re-post from February of 2009. Exactly three years ago. Funny, I still feel the same way about him.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

No matter what happens, blood is thicker than water.
In order for you to feel happy and live in peace, accept and forget all the things he has done. FORGIVE him. After all, you only have 1 dad.

The choice is still up to you. This is just an unsolicited advice from a friend who will be here for you always and will love you no matter what.

-M from the South-

Drama King said...

Ang lungkot naman nito Mac. Mama's Boy din ako. Hindi rin kami close ni Papa dati pero just like you, mas marami akong narealize 'nung tumanda na 'ko. Baka kailangan mo rin gumawa ng effort para mas maging close kayo. Matanda na si Papa mo, mas kailangan na niya ang pagkalinga at atensyon. Isa pa rin naman siya sa dahilan kung bakit ka nandito. :D

Mac Callister said...

@m from the south--naks naman ang seryoso ng comment a! hehe I forgave him a long time ago..kaya lang di ko makita sarili ko na super close sa knya or maging friends or something...but we"re ok

@babit--andun naman sister ko haha! chos!

Justin said...

Di rin kami close ng tatay ko. I was angry at him for having another family. Pero kahit na anong dami ng kasalanan niya, wala akong magagawa. He's still my dad. Di man kami close, same as you, I am just civil towards him, I would still defend him from anyone who goes against him and would still take a bullet for him. He's still my father, I owe it to him.

Have you really forgave him? or are you still carry a grudge?

lonewolf said...

In time maheheal din ang mga sama ng loob niyo sa isa't isa.

At tatay mo pa rin siya.

I bet proud din naman siya sa mga naachieve mo sa buhay mo and he loves you din naman kasi anak ka niya

juan said...

I know that healing takes time
Even your heart has a pace
but how much time are you gonna take?
Too much would be a mistake
~ne-yo~

aboutambot said...

i felt the same way with my father. his day wouldn't be complete without him beating me. he died when i was 14. how i wished he witness how i have become. baka sakali maging proud sya sa akin. pero ngayon kahit wala na siya masasabi kong mahal ko siya.

Brian said...

Again, I blame society for creating norms. Don't rush it. There are just things that takes time.

sin at work said...

you still feel that way about your dad huh?
like you, i'm not close with my dad. di n'ya ako minamaltrato pero talagang di kami tugma. yeah he's smart and all but there are just times na pag kasama ko s'ya e parang may PMS ako every now and then na di ko maintindihan kung bakit. baka kasi nung past life e pinatay n'ya jowa ko. haha chos! :)
alam ko na dapat maging masaya ako for having a dad like him pero talagang may inis sa puso ko na hindi ko alam kung bakit ito naroon. yung nanay ko nga ang nagpumilit na baguhin ako sa pagkabakla ko eh. she even made me abandon gay friends nung bata pa ako. pero after everything e mas naging close pa ako sa nanay ko.
before i was angry with my dad because of different reasons. pero ngayong i know better, na yung mga reasons ko before ay hindi pala totoo, na hindi ko dapat inisip pero di ko pa din makuhang gumaan ang loob ko sa kanya. minsan oo, minsan hindi.
di ko maintindihan. at least you know exactly why you feel like that towards him, while in my case it's a blur.

Tim Smithson said...

we are not close sa father ko. We had this gross past sa kanya kasi..

KikomaxXx said...

ewan... di mo parin masabi hanggang sa hulihan..

Leo said...

I so love my mom too.

I just hope that it's never too late for you to rekindle your relationship with your dad. It's just that there are some who will die to have a father, and you just got that opportunity to bring forth a good relationship your dad. It's not too late.